Tuesday, November 16, 2004


The sound of America's credibility going down the toilet.

MSNBC - 'This Ain't Over Yet': "'These guys are such cowards!' he shouted. 'Why don't they come out and fight?'"

Excuse me? Isn't that what the British said about George Washington and the Minute Men and other Amercan insurgents in the late 1700s? I guess insurgency never changes.

It seems to me, when we engage in an elective war - one in which we weren't directly attacked by the other party - we seem to fall into the same head as other aggressors before us - forgetting what people will do when they believe they are fighting in defense of their country.

We invaded Iraq because we had the "last-war" head thing going on. We invaded Iraq because we didn't understand that al Qaeda and other loose knit organizations like it (the real enemy) don't have a country or countries or an "over there" but we felt we had to do SOMETHING.

The proposition that "we're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here" is absurd. It would make sense if they had an "over there" but al Qaeda is not bound by borders. While we're attacking the movement "over there", they're blowing up trains in Spain, bombing night clubs in Bali and kidnapping people in the Phillipines.

To paraphrase Dorothy Parker, "There is no there there!"

Sunday, November 14, 2004

16 Things You Need to Believe to be Moral in America

  1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
  2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
  3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
  4. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
  5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
  6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
  7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
  8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
  9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
  10. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
  11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
  12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
  13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
  14. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
  15. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
  16. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us -- airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year-old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal-of-Honor-winning former Governors.

Let's pause a moment, reflect back, vow to NEVER forget, and then take the following test based on actual cuts from history, on whether or not we should engage in profiling:

In 1972, at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
(a) Olga Korbut
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Lost Norwegians
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women on a Quilting Tour
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A Pizza Hut delivery boy
(b) Patricia Ireland and three other crazed feminists
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
(a) Captain Kidd
(b) Charles Lindberg
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Scooby Doo
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1996, The Khobar Towers barracks at Dhahran, Saudia Arabia were bombed by:
(a) The Vienna Boys Choir
(b) The Ohio State University football team
(c) Alec Baldwin
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The World Wrestling Federation
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

On 10/12/00, the USS COLE (DDG-67) was attacked in Aden, Yemen, and 17 American sailors were killed by:
(a) Rosie O'Donnell
(b) Barbara Streisand
(c) James Carvell and Paul Begala
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of people were killed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) The Jamaican bobsled team
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 2002, the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) Enron
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonny and Clyde
(b) Captain Kangaroo
(c) Martha Stewart
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 4/28/02, a suicide truck bombing of a synagogue in Tunisia killed 19 people. Those responsible include:
(a) Ted Williams' children
(b) D.C. sniper suspects
(c) online pornographers
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 10/12/02, two nightclubs in Bali were bombed and resulted in the death of over 190 men, women, and children. Most were Australian. The heinous bombers were:
(a) Bally Fitness Club towel boys
(b) Bally slot machine repairmen
(c) Oscar Hammerstein II, who wrote Bali Hai for South Pacific
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 11/28/02, the Paradise Hotel near Mombasa, Kenya was attacked by a suicide bomber and a car bomb that killed 10 innocent Kenyans and three Israelis tourists. Who did this:
(a) Agusta National Golf Club members
(b) a group of crazed Wal*Mart Greeters
(c) UN. Weapons of Mass Destruction Inspection Team
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 12/30/02, three Southern Baptist missionaries providing free health care to the poor at the 80-bed Jibla, Yeman hospital were slautered by:
(a) Raelian cultists
(b) Michael Doonsbury and Rob Reiner
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 3/4/03, 21 inocents were killed and 170 injured while taking shelter during a rain shower at the airport at Davao City on Mindanao, the Philippine Islands. The homicide bomber was:
(a) Phil Donahue
(b) Phyllis Diller
(c) Phil Specter
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 5/13/03, in Riyadh, Saudia Arabia, 34 honorable people, including 8 Americans, were murdered by:
(a) Karem Abdul Jabbar and Sean Penn
(b) Paula Abdul and Mike Farrell
(c) Muhammad Ali and Jeneane Garofalo
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

Hmmm . . . Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?

(Throughout all these incidents the voices of moderate Muslims were conspicuous by their absence. Silence is most often seen as consent.)
Questions for Fundamentalsits; An Open Letter to George W. Bush:

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

  1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
  2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
  3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
  4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
  5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
  6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
  7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
  8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
  9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
  10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Yours truly,
A Post Election Note from Manny:
From: "Manny Celnick"
Subject: The Blue States Strike Back Cursing

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant?

What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it's a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It's your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess.

That's right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It's too easy, asshole, they're blue states. It's not your money, assholes, it's fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let's talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It's fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that's right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that's just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast
Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.
On the Arafat Legacy

Yesterday, after reading more than I cared to read about the passing of Yasser Arafat, I wondered aloud how long it would be before the Palistinians started shooting each other. I got my answer today.

The Associated Press reports:

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip Nov 14, 2004 — Gunfire erupted Sunday at the tent set up for mourners of Yasser Arafat just after his successor as PLO leader arrived, and one Palestinian policeman was killed and five other people were wounded, witnesses and hospital officials said.

Gunmen fired in the air about five minutes after Mahmoud Abbas, Arafat's longtime deputy chosen over the weekend as his successor, arrived in a motorcade. Abbas' bodyguards also fired in the air, the witnesses said.

Associated Press Television News footage showed a group of about 20 men entering the mourning tent where Abbas, Gaza strongman Mohammed Dahlan and other key Palestinian leaders had come to mourn for Arafat, who died Thursday.

The gunmen, clad in green, shouted, "Abbas and Dahlan are agents for the Americans!"

Where is the outcry among the moderate Mulsims? When are they going to demand an end to killing. It seems the Islamic answer to all issues is to kill someone.