16 Things You Need to Believe to be Moral in America

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
   
2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
   
3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
   
4. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
   
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
   
6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
   
7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
   
8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
   
9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
   
10. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
    
11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
    
12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
    
13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
    
14. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
    
15. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
    
16. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.