A Holiday Message from Mark Twain

Man is really the most interesting jackass there is. It’s his idea, ya see, that the deity sits up nights to admire him. He’s the creator’s pet!

Now, ya may wonder why.

Well, because of his intellect!

Man is the reasoning animal! … Such is the claim … though I do think that’s open to dispute.

Well, I’ve been studying this reasoning animal for years now and I find the results humiliating!

For example: I experimented with a cat and a dog, taught ‘em to be friends and I put ‘em in a cage. I introduced a rabbit. In an hour, they were friends. Then I added a fox, a goose, a squirrel, some doves … a kangaroo … and finally I added a monkey. They lived together in peace!

Next, I caught an Irish Catholic … and put him in a cage … and as soon as he seemed tame I added a Presbyterian … And then a Turk from Constantinople, a Methodist from the wilds of Arkansas, a Buddhist from China and finally … a Salvation Army Colonel.

Why, when I come back, there wasn’t a specimen left alive … these reasoning animals had disagreed on a theological detail and carried the matter to a higher court! Because ... ya see ... man is also the religious animal. He’s the ONLY ONE that’s got the true religion!! Several of ‘em.

He loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn’t straight!

He’s made a grave yard of the globe in tryin’ his honest best to smooth his brother’s path to happiness and heaven …

The other animals have no religion, you know. Gonna be left out. I wonder why? Seems questionable taste.