Why I Hate the Telephone

For those who are not totally up to speed on what I do for a living, I produce a daily newsletter that keeps track of the happenings in the office imaging and document management spaces. That's Corp-speak for keeping track of whats happening with copy machines, fax machines, scanners (the kind of thing you hook up to your computer so you can "scan" or make digital representations of paper documents as opposed to radar scanners, police scanners or MRI equipment), and the hardware and software that people use to capture, store and retrieve electronic documents ... many of which started life as pieces of paper.

I do this newsletter on a daily basis for a readership of over 3,000 people who are spread out all over the planet. I have readers throughout the United States, Canada and Latin America. I have subscribers in Europe and in Japan. Their job titles span the office imaging industry from field sales personnel to Chairman of the Board with a couple support level "worker bees" thrown in for good measure. The weight is at the top, though. They are employed by at least eight separate corporate entities ... all subsidiaries of a major multi-billion dollar multi-national company.

The one thing they all have in common is that each and every one of them either personally requested to be included on the distribution list for the newsletter or some one above them in their management food chain requested they be included. In short, I have never solicited a subscriber ... never once have I asked someone to please take my newsletter.

Individual subscribers do not pay for their subscriptions. I work on a corporate retainer and get paid a flat fee regardless of how many subscribers sign up ... so ... more subscribers within the company has the effect of making the newsletter cheaper and cheaper in the long run. Different company? Different flat fee. that way I don't have to worry about one subscriber within a company becoming a mass distribution channel with his.her individual cheapo subscription. If the company is paying the bill, the can include anyone they like and either I'll manage the mailing list (for an additional fee) or they may if they think that saves them money.

So, how does this relate to the telephone?

Toward the end of January I was approached by someone from an outside company - outside the multi-national subsidiary group tha makes up my major customer. He represented a retail organization based in the United States with sales locations all over the country and several thousand employees. As a client of the multi-national I do business with, he'd been sent occasional copies of my newsletter and liked it enough to drop me an e-mail. He wanted to know if i could include him on the distribution list. I got the impression they somehow he thought he would be able to get my little daily packets of information for free -- he pleaded he would only be circulate the newsletter among the corporation's 10-12 senior management types and never mentioned, suggested, or inquired about COST.

The communication was by e-mail; my preferred mode of communication.

In any case, rather than starting the conversation by dickering over price, I didn't directly mention COST either. I played along and suggested that I provide them with a 30-issue trial subscription ... that's a better deal as freebies go than a 30-day trial subscription, but I'm a generous guy.

The trial subscription has recently come to an end. I included a note with the final edition:

"This edition marks the conclusion of the 30 issue trial subscription to the Office Products Intelligence Report/Review that I compile on a daily basis.

"If the report is useful to you and Intergalactic Imaging*, I would certainly like to continue the service provided we can come to an equitable arrangement that would underwrite the continued service.

"Of course, any feedback you might have regarding the report now that you've had an opportunity to "live with it" for a while would certainly be appreciated."

My contact, a VP of Business Development with Intergalactic replied:

"I just landed in NY. I have mtgs tomorrow most of the day and then head west. We should talk 'live' to discuss how your material worked and didn't inside intergalactic.

"My cell is : 581 555 8362."

So I dropped him a note in response:

"Will try to track you down tomorrow (Tuesday). Given you have a day full of meetings, how about I take a shot around 4:30pm your time? If you're aware of a better window, let me know. "

I called his cell phone number at 4:28pm (his time - there's a two hour time difference between Arizona and New York at this time of year). After four rings, my call was bounced over to his voice-mail box. So, I left a message.

This is Joe Kozlowski. You must be up to your earlobes in meetings. Sorry I missed you. If you like you can reach me at (my phone number).

That was Tuesday.

On Wednesday I called twice; once in the morning and once in the late afternoon.

We cannot do business if doing business together is not a priority for both of us. My read is he's playing the game ... if you keep a salesman waiting, you throw him off his pitch. I spent years waiting in people's outer offices as they played the power game. I spent an equal number of years trying to call people on behalf of the companies I worked for, to set up a meeting or to pitch a product. I've seen it all before and it's a game.

We're playing telephone tag and he's trying to demonstrate that he's busier and, therefore more important than I am.

I'll not be calling him back. I make a nice living at what I do. I'm not in a position that requires me to be a groveling, "hail-fellow-well-met", "tugging-on-me-top-knot-here,-sir" salesman. I can afford to have a bad attitude so I do. I don't do telephone tag anymore.

The telephone is an immediate mode of communication but it has several disadvantages - one of which is that can be abused by people who play telephone tag.

I much prefer e-mail. First and foremost, because I can actually write. but beyond that, once you write it, it stops wiggling around. It doesn't change. it is less subject to interpretation - and, if your going to play games with the written word, they have to be significantly more sophisticated.

Don't call us ... we'll call YOU!

* Name changed to protect the innocent, the guilty and my profit base.